The Tea Party: A Eulogy


Family, friends, loved ones, I come to you today with a heavy heart as I have been given the humble honor of delivering this eulogy. I never thought this day would come ;but as we gather here let's take a moment to honor and remember our dear friend, the Tea Party, whom we lay to rest today.

Your time here was short. I really wish we could have spent more time together, but you were always so distant from me. I want to take this time to apologize for all the mean and hurtful things I have said about you over the last three years. It was all in jest but I guess it is too late now to say sorry.

In your early years you showed a lot of promise. You burst onto the political scene with a very popular message of cutting spending and eliminating the country's outstanding debt.

The masses flocked to you, as you provided a political oasis for those who didn't vote for Barack Obama in 2008 but at the same time were dissatisfied with the Republican Party. Defectors from the GOP rallied behind your message and the so-called grassroots movement was underway. It was a beautiful time.

The midterm elections of 2010 approached, and it was the first real test for the Tea Party. The American people were to decide whether they agreed with their message or not. As we all know they did, and the Tea Party made their presence felt in Congress. Some may say this was the high time for the Tea Party, but in hindsight, this may have been the beginning of the end.

The message of fiscal responsibility and deficit cutting began to take a backseat to making sure gays weren't getting married, women weren't getting abortions, and the black guy wouldn't be president again. These agendas were there all along, but just now were the American people beginning to see what the Tea Party was really all about.

I know a eulogy shouldn't reference those responsible for the death, but let us not forget about Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell who released a political ad insisting she wasn't a witch. She is also on the record saying homosexuality was a psychological defect. Then senate candidate Ron Johnson completely discounted any scientific evidence for man-made climate change. This became a theme for the Tea Party: just making stuff up despite facts to the contrary. It was funny for a while but eventually it just got old.

As the 2012 presidential election drew near, the Tea Party sent two of its finest members to the national stage for a chance to claim the nation's highest office. Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain clumsily battled their way through numerous primaries and debates causing more and more self-inflicted wounds to the Tea Party. At the end of the day, Mitt Romney won the nomination for the Republican Party and the Tea Party was sent home licking its wounds.

Reluctantly, the Tea Party decided to back Mitt Romney because, well, he wasn't Barack Obama. Romney could be anything he wanted on any given day but Barack Obama he was not. Countless dollars were poured into the Romney campaign as he set off on his quest to become the next President of the United States.

But then came Nov. 6 and… I'm sorry, excuse me for getting choked up here, but yes Barack Obama won again. How is this possible? The Tea Party had tried so hard for the last four years to get rid of this guy! How could the American people go against the Tea Party message? So what that the majority of Americans are for gay marriage, a woman's right to choose, and taking common sense steps to address climate change? The Tea Party was for cutting the deficit and cutting the deficit only, right?

Unfortunately, the American people saw past this message and the Tea Party was exposed. With its last breath of life, the Tea Party tried its best to negotiate in the fiscal cliff deals with fellow Republicans and those evil Democrats. But no one listened to the dearly departed and eventually Obama got his way and the final blow was struck to the heart of the Tea Party. The unthinkable happened: taxes were raised on the richest Americans.

In the early hours of Jan. 1, the Tea Party took its final breath. The American Tax Payer Relief Act of 2012 was passed and the curtains closed on our friend.

These last few years have been special, and we will never forget you Tea Party. You provided us with laughter. You gave us a constant feeling of nausea. But most importantly, your insane ideology made us realize how lucky we are to live in a country where groups like you can have a voice, and then be effectively silenced by the American people in the voting booth. You will be missed.